In my line of work, I sometimes see children that are having a hard time with friends or frienemies a.k.a. (children that are not actually their friends but they call them friends). I have found some common things that parents can do to help them in both the playroom and at home.

Reflect/Listen/Empathize

First, listen to your child. Listen to their story and experiences. Try not to rescue them. Avoid giving them advice. Hearing about an injustice towards one’s child can stir up a lot of emotions. If you find your heart beating faster or getting angry, take a few deep breathes and try to stay present with your child. Match their emotions not with intensity but with empathy. Calm him/her down with a soothing voice. Sometimes when I hear a story about a frenemy the story line moves so quickly it is hard to  keep up. I will ask the child to back up for a moment and to tell me about blank. I want to hear him/her so to be able to follow and understand what is going on. We want them to feel heard. Getting them to slow down is the best way so to get a more complete recall of events and feelings. Slowing down can also help them regulate. Reflect things you hear and feelings. Empathize without taking the spotlight. This is their time to talk.

What is a Friend?

It is important to talk about what a friend is. A friend is about compromise. Sometimes you do what they want and sometimes they do what you want. A friend respects your wishes when you say you do not want to talk about an issue or don’t like something. A friend is trustworthy.  A friend is forgiving when a mistake occurs. Everyone has bad days or off moments. A friend is apologetic when they accidentally hurt your feelings. Ask your child what they look for in a friend. Ask them to name a role model and why that person is their role model. This can help identify what s/he wants in a friend and how they want to be as a person. Most importantly, bring up how s/he feels when around certain people. If your child consistently feels bad about themselves, or down with certain people, that person may not be a friend. Talk about feelings.

Empower Your Child

If your child has a frienemy, your child may have low self-esteem, be a people pleaser or not know how to stand up for themselves. Whatever the reason, empowering your child is helpful. Teach your child how to be more assertive. Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself in words and actions that are congruent with how you feel without imposing on anybody else. Teach him/her to have clear communication without a harsh tone. Role play with your child the scenarios where they are standing up for themselves. Assertive words, should be thought out so role playing could help tremendously. If your child continues to have a hard time with this, outside help may be needed.

When Not to Get Involved

So your child has shared their story and has used your advice on being more assertive. They are no longer drawn to their former “friend” but now an adult is reaching out to try to have the kids reconcile. This is the time to support your child by letting them choose what they want to do. When a child’s self-esteem increases it is not uncommon for that child to stop gravitating towards people that do not make him/her feel good. They may reconnect at a later date if the other child has made some shifts.

As some of you know, this is a BIG topic and this a brief overview. I hope you found this to be of some help. So listen, reflect, empathize, teach them what a friend is and empower them with assertiveness.

Published in Boulder County Kids Newsletter Winter 2017